Child's Play..?

Being the middle child is not something to be proud of. I suffered from the middle child syndrome. Being between an older brother and a younger sister made me feel insecure about myself; the older one is the best in everything and my sister is spoiled because she is the only girl in the family. Maybe that’s why I needed some attention. I was always the one who brings the trouble.

One time, I was not feeling well when my brother was working on the computer, he turned to me and was staring while I was eating a chocolate bar.
“What are you looking at?” I said.
“I saw everything.” he said to me, with a pirate look on his face.

Shit. I had worried something like this was going to happen. The night before, I was chatting with a guy on the internet, I met him online from a dating website and was downloading porno “gay porno”, my brother was away and nobody was interested in being with me while using the internet. He was asking me if I’m interested in phone sex, I said yes, and gave him my number. He called me, and we started talking.

“What are you wearing naughty boy?” he said
“Why’s that question?” I said, acting naive
“Okay, take your clothes off, I wanna see your hot bum.” he whispered.

So, the conversation was like that and it ended up well and I immediately slept after that.

“Everything? What do you mean?” I asked my brother innocently.
“The chat log and the movies.” he said.
“You’ve got to be kidding me! What movies?” I continued. “I don’t want to deal with this shit, I’m going to buy some candy.”

I was so afraid, didn’t know what to do; because I knew that my effing old brother is going to tell my parents about it. So I turned off my phone and hid somewhere. After 45 minutes I was thinking,
“It’s better for me just to go home and get it over with.”
Switching the tactics, I remembered that it was the series finale of “desperate housewives” and I would miss it if I stayed outside. That would have been enough to drive any gay, level-headed twelve-year-old insane.
Even so, I was ready to stay outside as long as it took my brother or my parents if he told them to forget about what happened. I had phone sex and downloaded gay porno movies and chatted with strangers in the same night. I didn’t think that I would be able to look them in the eye anytime soon.

My parents are great and I love them; Dad is the most laid back person ever— if I told him that I’m going to the North Pole or to the Himalayas, he will say “Have fun and take care!”
Mom on the other hand is kind of rigid. I really like her personality, she’s a very strong woman and I respect her for that.
She and my Dad went through lots of problems, and they really hated each other at some point, because my dad had an affair with another woman.

We were kids and my sister still wasn’t born yet— Mom kicked him out of the house and they didn’t talk for like, months and months. (She forgave him but never forgot what he did, will talk about my family later)

I turned on my phone, mom already texted me and told me to come home as soon as possible; she called when the message got delivered and told me to come home NOW!
I went back home and I really didn’t know what the hell I was thinking, I said “hi?”
She smacked me on the face and told me to go to my room and she’ll come in a minute. I didn’t cry, but I was angry; because my brother told her and didn’t tell my dad instead, (he won’t slap me or hit me, he actually never hit anybody.) He always said that beating your child won’t help them to be better people.

After a long talk with my mom, telling her that I’m sorry and didn’t mean to hurt her feelings and I’m not “gay” and I was just curious.
She finally calmed down and told me that she doesn’t want to hear anyone talking about me in a bad way.
“Don’t let me be disappointed in you,” she said. “You’re my favorite.”
At that moment, I knew that mom never treated me like my older brother, maybe because she knew that I’m better than him and he is not me. She treated me differently, sometimes I feel like she loves him more. But I know that deep in her heart, she didn’t mean that.

One of my friends asked me when I had started to like guys. I never knew to be honest, but I know that it all started when I was six or seven years old.
In that age, as you all might know (and maybe even remember) every kid is curious and wants to try and see something new.
As Denise Richards would say, “It’s complicated.”

So here’s the beginning: We used to live in a small, quiet town, where everyday is like the one before. It was a new town back then, so there were many people who started a family there. Like any kid, me playing with the other kids out there and acting naive, I remember that I really hated a bunch of guys who were sitting in front of one of their number’s place. Checking out the kids and the girls; well they were just jerks and that’s all I can say about them. Publicly.

Anyway, one of them used to talk to me and one time he asked me if I wanna come inside and play with him and his friend. I accepted (duh) and went inside his place. They didn’t hit me or call me names, in fact they were sweet and lovely (which now that I think back, I feel like an idiot for not noticing as odd.)

My memories of them are perhaps the most difficult part of writing this book. My recollection of them just doesn’t line up with those of family and neighbors. What follows is my version of my relationship with them, and I’ve decided to get it out in the open for the first time.
There was an extremely inappropriate sexual energy that came from them; I was seven years old when that happened, and for everyone who thinks that what they did is horrible, yes it was, but still, I liked it.
I read lots of books about how horrible being molested is, but I never read about how fun it can be, especially with two kind men like them.
Well they weren’t men. They were teenagers with huge penises… but at that time, that’s what they seemed to my immature eyes— kind and sweet Adonises.

They fooled me and asked me if I wanted to play “the doctor-patient” game.
I accepted and got into the bed. One of them started kissing me everywhere and to softly say to me things like “You’re so pretty” and “You’re the prettiest boy I’ve ever seen.”
The other one was dry humping me. I didn’t feel comfortable about it and wanted to leave but they said that they were not finished yet and it was just part of the game, so I stayed and they continued what they were doing.
One of them got naked and started hugging me from behind. If you saw this, if you’d been in the room, you’d stop it from happening. Thinking about it now, I feel awful and ask myself, “Why didn’t you just bite that penis and run?”
But like I said before, I liked it.

When I got home mom asked me where I had been and I told her that I was at my friend’s and she just believed, maybe because I have great acting skills. Okay, I know that I should’ve talked to someone about it but I just couldn’t.
It’s easy to say “You should have said something” watching from the sidelines, but it’s astronomically different for the one going through it all.
Anyhow, they “played” with me again and again, but it wasn’t anal; it was just “touchy touchy.”


Those guys introduced me to a new world that I truly hated and liked at the same time, introduced me to penises that made me wonder what I can do with them. I was a kid and being used like that was awful. They molested me a lot (those @#$&ing pedophiles!), and I found out that I wasn’t the only one. There were two other kids as well (who became my new molested friends later.)

The lesson I learned that year was a valuable one; being molested is a bad thing for sure, but if you have the gay gene, then you just might love it.